I’m not picture perfect. Not even close. Those who know me best would be more than happy to tell you that, but I’m more concerned about those who might be reading this blog that don’t know me best. I’m thinking about those people who stop by and see beautiful pictures – guess what, they are staged – and yummy recipes, and immaculate homes, and maybe when they see those pictures, they leave feeling like they don’t have their act together. I know I’ve felt that way. Actually, I’ve felt that way a lot recently and it doesn’t feel good at all. I definitely don’t want anyone feeling that way on account of me and hopefully by the end of this post, you never will.
Three weeks ago, I launched this business and at the same time I started a business instagram account. Within a week’s time I felt completely defeated. I was scrolling through beautiful news feeds of beautiful people living beautiful lives – designers and creatives and gorgeous skinny moms who wear perfect outfits all the time, not Yeti hats and workout clothes all day like I do. I started listening to that little unwelcome voice in my head that was telling me I wasn’t good enough; that I will never get to where I want to go; that it was pointless to even start because I’m way too far behind; THAT I SHOULD JUST GIVE UP AND QUIT.
I was falling into the comparison trap. You know, where you compare your life to someone else’s highlight reel – or even worse, 500 to 1,000 different people’s highlight reels – that they post on social media. Suddenly, I found myself feeling discouraged, defeated, and completely worthless.
I know better. One of my favorite quotes is “Comparison is the thief of joy.” Read it again. “Comparison is the THIEF of joy.” Comparison LITERALLY steals our joy from us. I know that quote. I generally don’t ever struggle with jealousy or comparison, but boy oh boy, when I started this business I was hit with it full force as I was immersed in a world of design and beauty and highlight reels.
Here’s the deal. We are living in a world that makes not struggling with the comparison trap REALLY DIFFICULT. Every time we pick up a phone, there is a different app – twitter, periscope, snapchat, blogs, instagram, and many, many more – just waiting to make us feel inadequate and worthless if we will let them. With the flick of a thumb, we are inundated with pictures of gorgeous people living seemingly perfect lives and it’s so easy to fall into the comparison trap… Look at Suzy. She gets to travel all the time. She’s in France right now. My life stinks. I never get to go anywhere. Jennifer just had three babies and she’s already back to her pre pregnancy weight. I’m an overweight loser. I still need to lose 20 pounds and my baby is seven years old. Oh, well, there’s Heather again. She’s in the news for winning another work award. I can’t even get dressed for the day. I suck.
The comparison trap. It just downright stinks. It steals our joy. It makes us feel sad and defeated and discouraged and worthless.
So here’s the deal. I got to thinking about my blog and how I post pretty pictures a lot. Guess what, I’m a photographer you guys. I can take a pretty picture and so, that’s what I do. I’m no dummy and that’s what I have to do and need to do for my career. But I also want to be real with you guys. I want to share some true life, non highlight reel pictures with you. No, I’m not going to post messy true life pictures over on my @ccandmikecreative instagram account because I need to keep it clean and looking nice for business purposes; but over here on the blog…I can do whatever I want. And what I want to do, is show you my real, uncut, unedited, uncensored life, so that when you see pictures like this of my bedroom, you will know the truth.
TRUTH: I’m just trying to sell that buffalo print and it took 30 minutes for me to get my bedroom that picked up. I had to wait for perfect lighting and I kept yelling at my kids to get out of my room and leave me alone while I took the picture. Mom fail.
TRUTH: THIS is what my bedroom normally looks like. Dirty, covered with laundry, and not picture perfect. I’m terrible at laundry. Like, I’m absolutely terrible at it and I’m a huge baby about it. I will let it go for a week without doing it, then I will start a load and have to rewash the same load in the washing machine five times. No that’s not a joke. I don’t iron. I’m pretty sure my kids go to school in wrinkled clothes on the regular. I just really, really STINK at laundry.
TRUTH: I’m unbelievably scatterbrained and disorganized. No seriously, I’m talking it’s out of control terrible. I forget things. I can’t be counted on to remember anything. I don’t have my kid’s sports schedules written down and my husband keeps track of them and just tells me on that day what we have that night. I drop the ball on the regular. Case in point…here is a text chain from yesterday where I got a reminder for a dentist appointment for Emmy while I was at the gym in the middle of my workout. Clearly I flipped the freak out. I asked Michael to drop everything and grab Emmy and take her to the dentist, only to then realize the reminder was for next week. Oh yes and Shot was a type-o because clearly what I was trying to say there was Darn it.
TRUTH: Here’s what my microwave currently looks like. No, it’s not supposed to be yellow. I tried to cook something and forgot about it then 25 minutes later our entire house was filled with smoke. We thought we were going to have to call the Jenks Fire Department then go have our lungs checked for smoke inhalation because it was so bad. I ruined our $700 microwave and it still smells like smoke and is permanently yellow even though we have doused it in vinegar and tried every other cleaning solution.
And finally, I give you my car. WOW, after seeing this pic I am rethinking this entire blog post because man, this is straight up embarrassing. But you know what, I committed to showing you guys some real life, not from my highlight reel pics, so I’m just going for it. I’m going to leave this right here and just let it speak for itself. TRUTH: This is what my car looks like right now.
So now you’ve seen some real life pictures and you know that I’m a hot mess – disorganized, chaotic and crazy. Here’s a couple other choice CC stories for you just in case you aren’t believing me after these pictures…
One time, I ordered 150 Christmas card pictures with my own name misspelled. And I didn’t even realize it until my friend Kenna called me and said, “Um, Carissa, did you realize you misspelled your own name on your Christmas cards?”
I have wrecked the last three cars I have owned. Two times I backed into something, even though my car has backup cameras that beep at you when you’re about to hit something. My last car, I left it in drive when I went into Quik Trip to get a coffee before an early morning session. I came out and saw some crazy person’s car had rolled into the QT gas pumps and was all smashed up. Yep, you guessed it. That crazy person was me. I was literally on the phone with my friend and said, “Oh my gosh! Someone’s car hit the gas pumps!!!” Then I realized it was mine.
Two days ago I showed up to a newborn session with not one, but TWO dead batteries. Awesome.
Yep, I’m a hot mess and guess what, my life isn’t perfect either. I’ve been through pain. As I get more and more courageous with my writing, maybe I’ll share more of my journey with you guys. But for now, just trust me, I’ve been through pain. I have struggles as well and I want to be candid and share those with you guys from time to time too, not just share beautiful pictures of my highlight reel only. I want to be real with you guys.
Yes, you will see pretty pictures of my house on this blog. But now when you do, I hope you’ll remember the picture above where it’s covered in laundry. That is what it most likely looks like at all times. You might even notice, when you see pictures on my blog, that my house is big and beautiful and looks perfect (in the pics I post). Yes. It is big. This is something I’ve spent years struggling with and feeling guilty and self conscious about. Now I don’t care and you know why? Because I know the reality. I know what you don’t see in the pretty pictures. You don’t see me 5 months pregnant, cleaning bricks and lumber off our first ever job site and picking up cups filled with human feces. Yep, that happened. You won’t see that I lived in a two bedroom apartment and my baby slept in a pack n play in a bathroom for three months. You won’t see that time when we built our first house together, and I literally thought we were going to get divorced because we fought so much. You won’t see that we lived in three different places in 2015. You won’t see that my kids are constantly asking if Daddy is going to sell our house and they’ll have to move again. So yes, I live in a pretty house. You’re going to see pretty pictures of it. But make sure when you do, you remember that it’s just a highlight reel and that the true life behind it, isn’t always so pretty.
You will see pictures of my marriage. Yes, we are high school sweethearts. Yes, we have a beautiful love story, or at least I think we do, but no, we do not have the perfect marriage. When you see pictures of us, know that we have fought harder than I’ve ever fought for anything in my life to have the marriage that we do. Know that we have gone to counseling, three or four different rounds of it. Know that one time, when our marriage was in a really terrible spot, we packed up and flew to Colorado Springs and did a weekend long marriage intensive. Know that when we got back we worked our butts off for 6 months on the principles we learned, trying to apply them to our marriage and get out of the huge rut we were in. Know that we fight. Know that we have doubts. Know that we’ve struggled but facing those struggles together, have only made us stronger.
You will see beautiful pictures of food on my blog. You might even hop on over to the Food section and see recipe after recipe of beautiful food. TRUTH: I think I’ve only cooked 1 homemade meal for my family in the past two weeks because I’ve been so overwhelmed with trying to juggle everything.
You might see pictures like this of our travels and adventures. We have fun. It’s awesome. We also get in fights and want to kill each other at times when we are sharing a small space for two weeks straight. Just keeping it real.
So there you go. I hope that clears some things up. If you’re going to play the comparison game, you’re going to want to set your standards a lot higher than me; because I’m just an incredibly flawed, hot disorganized mess who just so happens to be able to take a pretty picture and write a witty line.
I hope from now on when you look at my blog posts or maybe even my instagram posts if you follow me over there (@ccandmikecreative), that you will know that it’s just my highlight reel. There is a behind the scenes. There is ALWAYS a behind the scenes. And remembering that there is a behind the scenes just might help us all from falling into the pit of despair that is the comparison trap.
What is my goal in writing this? To be really open and honest and candid with everyone. To let everyone know that my life isn’t perfect just because I can take a pretty picture and I live in a big house. But most of all, so that next time you are scrolling through the internet or social media and you feel yourself starting to fall into the comparison trap, you will maybe stop. Stop and remember the picture of my yellow microwave or my car that looks like a bomb just exploded. Stop and remember that the highlight reel isn’t real life.
Stop. Don’t let the comparison trap steal your joy. Life’s way to short y’all.
But the story I have to tell you happened two years ago, when we had been married for fourteen years.
We were sitting in a tiny cafe in San Francisco, California. We were taking a much-needed getaway, a chance to decompress and unwind and most importantly, an opportunity to connect with one another and have a break from the insanity of our schedules and lives as parents and new business owners. I was doing what I always do when I actually have time to decompress — I was dreaming. I was talking aloud about how cool it would be to own a restaurant one day. In my typical creative-minded fashion, I already had the restaurant named, the tablecloths picked out, and the menu planned from the cream cheese stuffed bacon wrapped dates to the individual little homemade peach cobblers in cast iron skillets that would be offered for dessert. I was in my creative dream world, just as happy as a lark. So imagine my surprise when I looked up and saw my husband’s face, contorted in a look of horror and panic. I realized quickly, that he was not sharing the dream I was having for the CC and Mike restaurant plans — not in the least. I paused, which gave him just enough time to finally insert his thoughts on the matter.
“I mean, the restaurant business is HARD, Carissa, and most restaurants fail.”
This interaction pretty much sums up our marriage — Opposites attract. I’m the dreamer. He’s the realist. I’m the gas pedal. He’s the brakes. It’s what makes us perfect for each other, and it’s also what can drive us absolutely bonkers and force a wedge between us, if we let it.
Truth be told, we got in a huge argument after his”Restaurants are hard” comment, and I ended up walking out of the restaurant in the pouring rain and getting my own uber to the hotel. We fought a majority of the rest of that trip, off and on, and I remember a low point was me screaming at my husband, “I wish I wouldn’t have named this business CC and Mike! I wish I wouldn’t have even put your name on it at all!”
What? Was that not what you were expecting to hear? Did you see the pretty pictures on our blog and Instagram feed and think we had our act together? Perhaps you thought we had the perfect relationship and never fight? We are high school sweethearts after all. We went to senior prom together. We got married and have three kids and live in a pretty house and we have a blog and a cute dog named Oscar and the perfect life and marriage, right? Is that what you thought?
WRONG. Pull up a chair and grab a cup of coffee, or wine, or whatever floats your boat. And get ready because I’m about to talk about something I haven’t talked about on our blog before — OUR MARRIAGE.
We get plenty of DM’s and emails asking us for our marriage advice. I’ve never answered them because, to be honest, I just wasn’t ready. Especially since my internal dialogue has been something like this: If they knew about that fight we had in San Francisco, they would think we had a terrible marriage. Why would they want advice from us? If they knew how I lost my temper with my kids last week, they would think I was a terrible mother. Why would they want my parenting advice? If they knew how hard starting this business has been on our marriage, how hard the change has been, how we’ve struggled to learn how to work together, they would think CC and Mike was a joke. If they knew….If they knew…
Because we don’t have this figured out at all. Just like I don’t have parenting figured out at all. I’m not the perfect wife. I’m not the perfect parent. I’m definitely not the perfect businesswoman. In fact, I feel inadequate and flawed in all of the above areas. And my inadequacies as a wife, a mother, and a business owner are what make me feel unqualified to give any type of parenting or marriage or business advice whatsoever. So when you guys sneak into my inbox and ask questions like:
“You and Mike Miller seem so in love. Can you tell me how you keep the spark alive?”
AND
“CC, can you tell me how you did it — started this design business, and blog and Instagram account? Can you please give me advice?”
You see, when I get questions like that I feel completely inadequate to answer them, because I know the behind the scenes. I know the day to day reality that we are living. I’m in the trenches working my butt off for my business and my marriage and trust me, the view isn’t always so glorious from where I’m sitting. I know about the fights at a restaurant in San Francisco and about me yelling at my husband that I wanted to take his name off our business (OUCH. I’ve apologized multiple times for that one just so you know). I know about how hard starting this business has been on our marriage and how we’ve had to fight (literally and figuratively) to accept the change that has come into our lives over the past two years. I know the truth— the behind the scenes; the nitty-gritty; the not so pretty — so who am I to answer any marriage or parenting or business advice questions?
But then it finally dawned on me — Maybe it ‘s those very imperfections, and flaws, and struggles in my story that I am meant to share. Maybe it’s the imperfections themselves that can inspire, and give hope, and make people feel like they aren’t alone in their struggles. We live in a world of pretty pictures and social media news feeds and plenty of people sharing their highlight reels on repeat. It can feel lonely, being imperfect, in a world that celebrates beauty and success and accolades. But the truth is, we all have our struggles. We all have our imperfections. And maybe, just maybe, part of this platform I’ve been given is to share my failures and struggles — the valleys and the dark places — just as much as it is to share the triumphs and successes and mountain tops.
“So what is our marriage advice?”
I guess I’m finally ready to answer that question, though, fair warning: It’s not going to be a pretty, compact, bulleted list of how perfect our marriage is and how we bend over backward every single day to make the other feel loved. Nope, it’s going to look a little more like a scene from one of the Hunger Games movies: the two of us scrapping it out for survival, side by side, while we try to adjust to being thrown into this arena that is preteen and teen parenting while simultaneously trying to run two businesses and adjust to being co-workers when we are total opposites in every single way.
MAY THE ODDS BE EVER IN YOUR FAVOR. Can I get an amen?
So if you still want my marriage advice. Here it is. It really all boils down to just two words:
1. PROTECT
I’m going to tell you guys another personal story. I was twenty-seven years old. I had just had my second baby in under two years and I was pregnant with a third. We had just built and moved into a new house. Michael was working in the corporate world and he was throwing himself into his new career. I, in the meantime, was throwing myself into my children and my new hobby — photography — and my other hobby, people pleasing. Which is a whole different story in itself. A chasm was starting to form between us. I could feel, each day, that I was standing on one side of that chasm and he was on the other, drifting further and further away from me. We talked less and laughed together even less than that. I was consumed with taking care of the kids, nursing in the middle of the night, hosting baby showers and play dates, and he was consumed with something altogether different — his career. About that time, I remember being in a weekly situation where I would see another man who was very complimentary of me as a mother. Oh yes, I’m going there. And this might get uncomfortable but I don’t really care. Because someone out there just might need to hear this before it’s too late. You see, I started wanting to be around this man because he complimented me. He said things to me that my husband didn’t. He told me I was a great mother and it made me feel valued. His words made me feel special.
I remember hearing that whisper. That voice that won’t be forgotten telling me how I felt was a problem. And I marched into our bedroom where my husband was and told him — “This is a problem. You and I are growing further and further apart and I find myself wanting to be around another man because he makes me feel good about myself.”
Today, I’ve been married for sixteen years and I look back on that moment and I realize how pivotal it truly was. I realize that when I marched into that room three things happened:
I chose to tell the truth, no matter how uncomfortable or painful it was for both of us.
I chose to PROTECT my marriage.
That established a pattern of truth in our marriage that we have both recognized as vital to the health and protection of our marriage.
It’s all right there in the definition you guys. To keep safe from harm or injury.
To keep safe. To not let it happen. To prevent. To protect. We have to protect our marriages. We have to keep them safe from harm or injury. We have to march into that room and speak the truth, even if it’s hard or uncomfortable (especially if it’s hard and uncomfortable) and we have to take action. I look back on our sixteen years and I realize the importance of that word and the role it has played in keeping our marriage safe from harm or injury. When anything or anyone starts to threaten your marriage do not take it lightly. Do not excuse it. Do not ignore that voice whispering— gently nudging you, telling you that something isn’t right, that something isn’t ok. Listen, and take action immediately. PROTECT, before it’s too late.
Do you have a best friend who is needy and clingy and constantly causes fights between you and your husband? PROTECT YOUR MARRIAGE.
Do you have a job or a boss that is overly demanding and takes advantage of you and doesn’t allow you to put your family and your marriage first? PROTECT YOUR MARRIAGE.
Do you have a family member who causes stress between you and your spouse? PROTECT YOUR MARRIAGE.
No matter the situation, no matter the person, no matter what happens – you have to choose to PROTECT YOUR MARRIAGE. To put it simply, you have to choose your spouse above all else and put your marriage first, no matter what the cost.
PROTECT. After sixteen years of marriage, I now realize that is one word that will save your marriage. Now let’s talk about the second:
CONNECT.
When I told you about the story above, I mentioned there was a chasm forming between me and my husband at that time in our lives. I can look back over our marriage and tell you very clear and defined seasons of life where this exact same issue took root in our marriage and threatened to separate us, perhaps permanently, had we not fought to reconnect. The first time we struggled with a lost connection, was after having kids. I highlighted that above. The second time was after Michael lost his dad and I had started my photography business. And the third…well the third is right now. The third is after I started an Instagram account called CC and Mike, and that led to a business taking off that neither one of us could have ever expected or prepared for. You see, the past two years have been a struggle for our marriage and I’m ready to finally talk about that openly. Because every marriage has seasons. Every marriage has highs and lows and valleys and peaks. And I just don’t know how to share parts of our story and not others. So I need to be honest and tell you guys that starting this business, this blog, this Instagram account, and all the changes that have come with becoming business partners, has been really difficult at times. You’ve heard me say it before. We are total opposites attract. That’s’ what makes us perfect for each other. And that’s what makes us absolutely drive one another insane. Bringing that into a business environment has been a challenge. Learning to work together and run a business together while simultaneously juggling three kid’s school and social calendars and emotional, mental, and physical needs — well, let’s just say it’s been HARD and at times, emotionally exhausting. It’s like we are business and life partners, but we are just ships passing in the night. Our lives are reduced to to-do lists and texts about who is picking up what kid from what practice and how we are going to divide and conquer the activity schedule for each weekend. Then you look up and realize you’re standing on one side of this deep chasm and your spouse is on the other, and in between you is this seemingly never-ending gorge stretching out between you — an endless void filled with life’s stress and pressures and parenting demands and job demand, and all of the sudden, you feel like you can’t even really see the person on the other side. Maybe you don’t even know who they are.
Wait a minute who is that.
I kind of recognize him.
I kind of recognize her.
Sort of.
But wait? Is that even who I married?
Do I still love her?
Do I still love him?
I don’t know.
Is this not the fairytale you thought you were tuning in to read? Sorry I’m not sorry. This is the true life behind the scenes version. This is what I want my kids to read before they make the commitment to marry someone. This is what everyone needs to know before they say I do. Marriage is a battlefield. There WILL come a day when you feel like you don’t even recognize that person standing on the other side of the chasm. There WILL come a time when you strain your eyes to see across the gorge cluttered with life and distractions and responsibilities that separates you from your spouse and you will have to make a hard choice….do I want to fight for this, or do I want to just let go and let him (or her) keep drifting further and further away until I can no longer see them at all?
When you reach that moment….FIGHT. Fight to connect.
Bring together. Establish a link. Reconnect. Throw each other a lifeline. Do whatever it takes. Step slowly, toward one another across that gorge. Find a way, even if its dark and lonely and scary and you feel like you’re never going to get back to one another. Fight to CONNECT.
Connecting is going to look different in every single stage. That’s what I’ve realized after sixteen years. What used to work in one stage, will no longer work when you enter a new season. As I type this, I’m sitting next to Michael at our office but I couldn’t feel further apart from him. We spend more time with one another than we ever have before, working together, but yet that could leave us feeling further apart than ever, emotionally. In order to connect with one another outside of work, that takes effort. It takes the effort to connect, to establish a link, to bring together, to make contact. Right now, because of our busy work and kid’s schedules, that means working out together. We go to the gym early morning and do a workout together. It might be 9 pm before we see each other again but that morning workout is a way to connect. That’s what it takes in this stage of life, so that’s what we are doing. Taking baby steps toward one another. And I encourage you to do the same. If you are disconnected; if there is a chasm between you; don’t ignore it; find a way to CONNECT, whatever it takes.
So there you have it. You’ve asked and I’ve answered. I’m guessing that wasn’t the feel-good marriage advice people expected when they asked questions like “How do you keep the spark alive?” “You guys look like you have the perfect marriage? What’s your secret?”
Nope. It’s not a bullet list of action items of how to have the perfect marriage. Instead, it’s just two words:
PROTECT AND CONNECT.
You see, this world will fight to pull you apart. You will have to fight harder to stay together. You will have to fight to PROTECT. You will have to fight to CONNECT. And the more prepared you are for that battle, the better off you will be.
Today I wrote out my anniversary card to Mike Miller and I put this Walt Whitman quote in it. It’s my all-time favorite.
One day at the end of my life, I envision myself holding his hand and looking into his eyes, knowing that we did it. That we weathered all of life’s storms together. That we protected our marriage and we connected even when life tried it’s darndest and threw everything it could at us to pull us apart.
What a beautiful day that will be. What an accomplishment. But then, sixteen years is feeling like a pretty amazing accomplishment these days as well.
Happy Anniversary Mike Miller. Love you long time. Like forever. Even when you tell me I can’t put the things I want in our flip house because they will break the budget and you hang large TVs everywhere that I want to put pieces of beautiful art, and you tell me that our future restaurant business is going to fail before it even starts…. I love you even then. And thank you for loving me when I’m crazy and emotional and flip out and tell you that I want to take your name off our business. Which is so dang rude. Thank you for loving me even when I’m unlovable.
From the moment I laid eyes on you in the Union High School parking lot, I knew you would be my forever. Happy 16 years.
I’ve been struggling this week. And when I say I’ve been struggling, I mean—I started ugly crying in the car in the middle of a torrential downpour while listening to a Miley Cyrus song—kind of struggling.
My daughter probably thought I was crazy when she told me she wanted to sing the song she we was working on in her lesson, and as the music soared and she hit the refrain, I burst into tears. OK, not just tears you guys, it was that ugly sob that contorts your face into something that looks like it belongs in a horror movie and makes it difficult to breathe, let alone drive a car in the rain. It was these words that did me in:
There’s always gonna be another mountain I’m always gonna wanna make it move Always gonna be a uphill battle Sometimes I’m gonna have to lose
Ain’t about how fast I get there Ain’t about what’s waiting on the other side It’s the climb
These lyrics—they resonated with me. Because its where I find myself in this season of life. There always seems to be a mountain in front of me these days and I know good and well what I have to do. I have to climb it. But instead of moving forward and tackling it, I keep looking backward, trying to find a way out. Why? Because I’m scared. Because I want things to be easy. Because I miss when things were easy. Because I miss when I was just a photographer. Those were the good old days. I was on cruise control. I was comfortable there. But change doesn’t happen in your comfort zone—it happens when you stop looking backward, and you decide to climb that mountain in front of you, even though you know the climb is going to be hard.
So, sitting right there in the gas station crying my eyes out to Miley Cyrus singing “The Climb,” I made a decision. I’m going to stop looking backward—constantly longing for the simplicity of a stage of life that is gone—and I’m going to look forward. I’m going to climb the mountain in front of me.
Change is hard. Letting go is hard. Accepting your journey and where it takes you—even when you have to climb mountains, actually, especially when you have to climb mountains—is hard. Mike Miller and I have been in a season of change. Roughly 10 months ago we launched this business and website—CC and Mike. We had absolutely no idea where we were heading. All I knew was that I heard a prompting, a gentle voice whispering, “It’s time for change.” I had to redo my website and I knew it wasn’t supposed to be just a photography website. I had written a book at that point, though I told almost no one, and during that season, I remembered my long lost love for writing; and I realized how I had neglected it over the years. I knew I wanted to write again—yes, on a blog, but there was this nagging for perhaps even more than that. I also knew over the years we had done building and construction projects, but never really shared our passion with others. We felt it was time to put our passion out there into the world. So, we took a leap of faith. We took the first step down an uncharted path, and we started a new and unexpected journey. Just like any journey, there have been ups and downs. Beautiful moments of excitement and hope, and crashing moments of defeat and discouragement. At times I feel hopeful and so thankful that we began this new journey, while at other moments I call Michael defeated and in tears, struggling not to give into the other voice—the one that tells me I screwed up; the one that wants me to look back over my shoulder into the past where I was comfortable; the one that tells me this change is too hard; the one that tells me I’m out of my element; the one that tells me I’ve worked for almost a year for nothing; the one that tells me I’m not going to recoop the money I’ve invested into my book; the one that tells me critics are going to rip me apart when I put my book out there into the world; the one that tells me I can’t do it; the one that tells me—Who are you to design a house for someone else. The one that tells me it would have been easier not to start. Yep, there I said it. Those are the demons I’ve been struggling with.
Perhaps someone is reading this and is surprised. So you’ve seen the pretty pictures on my blog and just assumed I had my act together? You assumed I don’t struggle? You assumed I don’t feel discouraged or defeated or hopeless or overwhelmed or undeserving or afraid? Well, I do. When I started this journey I made a promise that I would be real. I would be me. I would share the ups and the downs with you and I’ve done just that in posts like – The Non-Highlight Reel, the Letter of Forgiveness I wrote to the man who tried to murder my mom, Our Story, and yes, even the blog post on my TV debut when I did part of the interview with a sock hanging off my shirt. If you’ve read any of those posts, then you know that my life has been far more than the pretty pictures of pretty homes that you sometimes see on this blog. There is far more to the story. I’m a bit of a scatterbrained, hot mess; and there is always a behind the scenes. I started this journey keeping it real and I’m going to continue keeping it real, because I know no other way.
So the truth? This is one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. Some days I think to myself—Man if you would have kept doing photography and invested this much time into photography, you would have put X amount of dollars in the bank.
Let me pause and get real with you guys because I’ve realized recently that part of my problem is this one little word—success. No, the problem isn’t the word, but in the way I was defining it; and the way the pursuit of it was ruining my life.
I am currently reading Shauna Neiquist‘s Present over Perfect. I’m sure you’ve heard of this beautiful, magnificent piece of literature that is sweeping the nation, and for good reason. Oh Shauna, you speak to my soul with your words of wisdom, uttering those oh-so-unpopular words for this fast-paced, push-push-then push some more American society that we live in. You give us permission—no, you call us even—to step away from the push to perform and succeed. You call us to quit our frenetic lives devoid of human connection, and step into a different way of living. You tell us to live our lives focusing on what matters most—our souls and what feeds them—not the push for success.
I’m going to get really raw with you guys and tell you one of my biggest fears. I’m afraid of failure. I’m terrified of it for some reason. At times, my fear of failure drives me to be a version of myself that I don’t want to be—rushed, forced, always pressing instead of resting, always trying to prove that I’m not a failure. I don’t know why I am the way I am. It just is. I’ve always pushed, from the time I was a little kid. Pushing comes natural to me, and if I’m being honest, I push to prove. I’m terrified of starting this business—this blog—only to realize it was a mistake. So I push. I am terrified of being decent at a few things, but never truly finding that one passion that I was called for. I’m terrified that all of this work that I’ve done over the past year, will be for nothing. So, I push. I push harder, and then I push some more. Until….I find myself crying in the rain to Miley Cyrus with my daughter looking at me like I’m certifiably insane.
Is that what I want for life? For my daughter to see my break down crying in the car? No. I think Shauna described my situation perfectly in her book:
“Many of us, myself, included, considered our souls necessary collateral damage to get done the things we felt we simply had to get get done – because of other people’s expectations, because we want to be know as highly capable, because we’re trying to outrun an inner emptiness. And for a while we don’t even realize the compromise we’ve made. We’re on autopilot, chugging through the day on fear and caffeine, checking things off the list, falling into bed without even a real thought or feeling or connection all day long, just a sense of having made it through.”
You know what? I have three design boards I need to do. My book is halfway through the developmental edit and I can’t get it finished. I just can’t seem to carve out the time to sit and have uninterrupted time to write it. I need to teach myself Pinterest and how to get my print shop transferred over to make buyable Pins, and there are about twenty-five unfinished projects around my house. The old me—the version of me that has break downs to Miley Cyrus songs in the car during a torrential downpour—says to push. I need to get those rooms finished. I need to post my pool bath. I need to write this blog post or that blog post. I need to start reading about self publishing my book because how in the world am I going to market my book? I need to post on Instagram. Oh crap, speaking of Instagram, I am so behind on my Twitter game. I need to learn that too. In fact, I don’t understand Twitter at all. I’m so behind, so behind. I need to push, push, push.
Or, I could just quit.
I could check my son out for lunch. I could invite my best friend to go to lunch. I could go get pedicures. I could stop pushing, and I could feed my soul instead.
You see, I need to be honest with you guys. I’ve been pushing because I wanted to be successful, or what I thought was successful. I wanted to know that I didn’t waste my money investing in this website. I wanted to prove to myself and to others, that I was a success. And as a result, I found myself sitting in my car bawling in front of my daughter to Miley Cyrus singing “The Climb.” So, I’m stepping away from the push. Yes, there is a mountain I have to climb in front of me and you know what, I’m going to stop looking backward, face my eyes forward, and accept that I have to climb it. But I’m going to do it at my pace. I’m going to stop and take breaks. I’m going to breathe. I’m going to check my son out for lunch. I’m going to take my daughter for a special mother-daughter day. I’m going to text a friend and ask her to go get pedicures. I’m going to constantly remind myself that I don’t have to push to prove.
After my crying breakdown in the car, I realized something. My entire problem was, perhaps, in my definition of success. My definition was somehow equated with financial success—covering the cost I’ve spent on my website redo’s, starting to profit on my print shop, and making sure I don’t lose money on my book. But now I see that therein is the problem. So, I’m changing my definition of success.
You see, I’ve decided I’m a success if my children and my husband feel loved and are my first priority, always. I’m a success because I had the courage to take the first step and start a new business. I’m a success because I don’t give up. I’m a success because I wrote a book, regardless of if it makes or loses money. I’m a success because I choose to be vulnerable and share my insecurities rather than hide behind all my pretty pictures. I’m a success because I show my children everyday—through my actions—how to believe in themselves, how to be courageous, to not allow themselves to live a life of fear, and to chase their dreams with confidence.
I have a new definition of success and it’s changed everything. No more crying in the car to Miley Cyrus songs because I’m pushing to prove I’m somebody else’s definition of a success. When I look back at my life, it won’t be my financial triumphs that will define my life as a success, but these instead: The courage to take the first step. The courage to have a dream, and fight for it. How completely and wholeheartedly I loved my family and others. And most of all, what will define my success, is that I didn’t give up. I ran the race. I climbed the mountain.
Happy Friday everyone. Just had to share because maybe, just maybe, I’m not the only one who needs to redefine the word success.
And if you don’t mind…here are a few of the small business successes I’m celebrating this week, seeing my prints in someone else’s beautiful home. Huge thanks to Melody from My House of Four for sending me her staging of our beach print and Kaila from These Blonde Walls for this amazing staging of our horse print .
A new year has begun and we are so excited for what 2017 will bring, but first, I thought it would be fun to look back at CC and Mike’s Top 10 Lifestyle Blog Posts of 2016.
1. A Letter of Forgiveness to the Man Who Tried to Murder My Mom – On Sept. 16th, 2016, I sat down and in 30 minutes —with a lot of tears shed—, I wrote a letter of forgiveness to the man who tried to murder my mother on Sept. 16, 1990. To this day, it is the most read and most shared blog post that I’ve ever written. Nelson Mandela once said, “When a deep injury is done to us, we never heal until we forgive.” I encourage you to read this post if you never have, not because it’s my most read and most shared post, but because it is only in forgiveness that we truly find freedom. Also, the true life events that you will read about in this post, inspired me to write a book. If all goes well, it will be coming out later this year and I would love if you would follow along with me as I embark upon my journey toward becoming an author in 2017.
2. Hey Girl in the White Dress – I wrote this post in our RV on a road trip to Omaha. I didn’t share it until several months later and, quite honestly, I was blown away by the response and how many times it was shared and read. This will be the post that I show my children and everyone that I love before they walk down the aisle and say their wedding vows. This post is what everyone who is getting married should read. This post is what I want to say to every girl in the white dress and every man in the tux before they say, “I do.” If you haven’t read this post I encourage you to do so and share it with anyone you know. Like I say in the post, more people need to hear the TRUTH about marriage before they say I do. “I write this post not to scare you, but to prepare you.”
3. Our One Room Challenge Reveal – In April, Michael and I took the One Room Challenge, basically as a bet when he told me that I couldn’t decorate the room off our kitchen the way I wanted too because the budget was way too much for the sitting room I had designed. Well, that lit a fire and I decided to commit us to the One Room Challenge. Check out our Room Reveal and also take a walk down memory lane and see how we transformed this room for just $500 in only 6 weeks – Week 1 | Week 2| Week 3|Week 4| Week 5|. Oh yes, and this room was featured on House Beautiful so that was super cool!
4. The Non-Highlight Reel – This post is proof that in between the pretty, posed, and planned, people want to see REAL LIFE, and the Miller’s are more than happy to keep it real. This post, where I shared a true life picture of how disastrous my house usually looks and how awful I am at laundry, is one of my most read lifestyle blog posts of all time. Head on over for a laugh and a behind the scenes look at how terrible I am at cleaning house.
5. Pumpkin Sheet Cake – This was my most used quick and easy recipes in 2016. If you haven’t read this post or made this dessert you are so missing out. Yes it is a HUGE hit at Thanksgiving but trust me, it’s a hit any time of the year. My kids are already asking for this again. They love it for their birthday dessert. It’s amazing to take to parties and get togethers. It’s awesome to make ahead for dinner parties. One of my favorite things about this dessert is that it actually gets better over a period of several days. SO, if you want to make it a few days ahead before your party or get together, no problem.
6. Deck the Halls Christmas Tour – I participated with several other bloggers in a lifestyle blog hop to show our home for Christmas. We shared our kitchen, breakfast nook, and living room for the tour. If you didn’t get to take our tour, head on over now and check it out.
7. Simply Fall Home Tour – This was another fun lifestyle blog tour I participated in with some amazingly talented other design bloggers. If you want to see inside our home, this tour takes you inside our entry, living, kitchen, dining room, and master bedroom and bathroom, as well as our backyard and pool.
8. Rest As Resistance – My amazingly talented sister wrote this piece on the need to find time, to MAKE time…to simply rest. It’s a must read you guys.
8. My Summer Mom-Fail post was a crowd pleaser. Just head on over if you want to see and hear about me being an absolute hot mess, yet again. Yes, that’s me with a sock unknowingly hanging on my necklace during a TV interview.
10. And coming in at #10 on the list is the post on our RV Redo. If you haven’t seen the before and afters of the RV that we renovated before we took it to Yellowstone, you’re going to want to check this post out.
If you made it to the end of this post, congratulations! You have now seen CC and Mike’s top lifestyle blog posts of 2016. One year ago we decided to go out on a limb. We decided to re-brand, to start blogging again, to pursue my dream of selling print art to people to use for design in their homes, to start doing what we really love—building, and flipping and working in real estate. Six months later we launched CC and Mike. It’s been hard. There has been ups and downs. And you know what it has also been, incredibly challenging and exciting and thrilling. We still don’t have it all figured out but we know one thing for sure…we are sure thrilled that you guys are going along on this journey with us.
Coming up in 2017….
Hopefully we will flip a house. We have been working our butts off, trying to find the right one.
CC’s book will be completed and published, or at least that is the plan and what we are working toward
We will be sharing more quick and easy recipes, family fun and trips, and crazy stories from this journey we call life.
Before I sign off, I leave you with our family quote: “In the end, it’s not the years in your life that count, but the life in your years.” -Abraham Lincoln.
Thanks for following along with the Miller’s. You guys are the best. No really, you are. Let’s do this 2017.
Hello and Welcome to the Deck the Halls Christmas Tour. We are CC and Mike, a husband and wife creative team from Tulsa, who designs, builds, and flips houses together. We’ve even been known to flip the occasional RV and drive it cross country to Yellowstone with our crazy crew. Thank you for coming to visit our little corner of the world for the Deck the Halls Christmas Tour!
Welcome if you found us via Sita Montgomery Interiors, who, quite frankly is a design goddess in my opinion and I’m having to pinch myself that I am even in the same company as her on this tour. Speaking of having to pinch myself, equally as amazing is the lovely lady after me on this tour – Kathleen of Lindsay Hill Interiors who has become a dear friend and has been so kind to help me on this journey of design and insta blogging that I embarked upon 6 months ago. Make sure you check out their tours as well as the other talented bloggers on the Deck the Halls Christmas Tour (please see the bottom of this post for direct links to all the bloggers in this tour).
Before I get started, let me just tell you that around these parts (Oklahoma to be exact and more specifically in the Miller household), we like to keep it real. If you don’t believe me just read this post – The Non Highlight Reel. So let me just preface this entire post with this….I am about to show you an insane amount of pictures of my house looking completely perfect. TRUTH: It took me two days to get it picked up and looking decent to photograph AND after I was done, it looked like a bomb had gone off in every single room in the house except for the rooms I was photographing. If you don’t believe me, check back with my blog in a few days where I will be doing a far less serious post with all the funny outtakes from our Christmas tour. So yes, in this post I’m going to show you all the pretty but if you want to see real life—like my kids having dance parties on my kitchen bar and my dog destroying the trash and dragging it all around the house—no worries, I will show you the true life look into the Miller’s household as well in a post to come.
So now that we have that out of the way, let me get back to what we are here for—my living room Christmas decor. I would describe my design style as collected and eclectic. I like to go to thrift stores and find things for a total steal and make them beautiful. Pretty much everything you will see in our living room was either used or refurbished, including the couches. Those beauties belonged to my husband when he was but a wee baby and he thought I was insane when I told him I wanted to recover them in chocolate velvet. I get a lot of questions about the rug in our living room so let me go ahead and tell you, I found it at a thrift store and it is one of my favorite scores of all time. SO, unfortunately I can’t tell you where to buy this exact rug but I have linked up below to several options that are extremely similar. Let’s see, what else? Oh yes! I’m all about live garland and fur this Christmas. Basically my entire Christmas theme for 2016 could be summed up as this: LIVE GARLAND AND FUR.
A few other things I have to mention before I let you guys get to the tour:
I am currently editing a book that I wrote (fiction/Young Adult) that will hopefully be out this Spring and I will be blogging about my journey to becoming an author in the New Year if you want to follow along.
We are currently looking for our next flip house project and we would LOVE if you would follow along with our adventures by subscribing to the blog and/or following us here:
Don’t forget to check out Lindsay Hill Interiors and her amazing Christmas Tour as well as all the other talented bloggers on the Deck the Halls Christmas Tour! I will provide a link at the bottom of this post! Huge thanks to Randi Garrett Design and Jennifer (Decor Gold Design) for inviting me to be a part of this tour!
You can shop my living room look here.
And you can shop my favorite Christmas products here.
Thank you so much for stopping by! Please feel free to shop my Christmas look below by simply clicking on the links if you see something you like! Hope you have a wonderful Holiday season with ones you love and I hope this tour helps give you some inspiration and ideas to make your home cozy and festive for the Holidays.
