**Disclaimer….don’t read if you have a weak stomach.
Today we went to Target which was an uneventful trip for the most part, especially compared to how our last trip went (see previous post). However, at the end of our trip Easton decided that he needed to talk to the “man” who was checking us out. Here’s how the conversation went:
E: (speaking very loudly….really it was more of a yell now that I think about it) “MOM…I am going to tell that MAN (pointing to the elderly WOMAN with a very short haircut who was checking us out) about the birthday party we are going to tonight.
Me: (whispering as quietly as possible) Easton, that is NOT a man. It is definitely a woman.
E: (again talking very loudly so the 2 people in front of me and 2 people behind me could most definitely hear along with the people in the rows beside us, I’m sure) “NOOO! That’s not a woman, mom. That’s a MAN!” Now he begins speaking to the actual woman because we have moved up in line. “SIR!! SIR!! Did you hear me? We get to go to a birthday party tonight!”
Me: Choosing to ignore him at this point and act like he’s not my kid while he continues to speak to the “SIR” for the next 5 minutes.
Me: Thinking to myself, “Looks like it’s going to be an AWESOME day!” Let’s head to Panera to meet some friends!
We get to Panera and get in line to order our food. Of course Cohen starts freaking out while we are in line so I attempt to get a bottle fixed for him while simultaneously ordering our food and keeping Easton and Emmy from running all over the restaurant. We get our food, sit down, and begin to eat. Our friends join us. About 20 minutes or so into the lunch, I began to smell a foul odor. Call it denial or just plan stupidity, but I kept thinking, “Man, somebody’s kid is definitely dirty.” Another 5 minutes goes by….still smelling the foul odor. I look down and see that Cohen has a strange puke green tint to the bottom of his shoes. What is that about? I look down and then see a blob of oatmeal-consistency green poop covering his legs, shoes, clothes, and car seat. I jump up, take a deep breath, and start to deal….give Easton and Emmy the talking to about staying in their seats, ask my friends if anyone has an extra onesie, and head to the bathroom. Let’s just summarize this next party by saying the next 10 minutes were spent in the bathroom cleaning up the most disgusting blow-out diaper I have ever seen in my life. I finally get it taken care of and head back out to hang with the friends.
We sit and start enjoying some conversation again and once again, the foul odor reappears. Again, denial.
Me: “I think I smell someone again. Kenna, is Owen dirty?”
Kenna: “No, I don’t think so. I just checked him.”
Me: “Hmmm…well I swore I smelled something (again, denial).”
Five more minutes goes by and I am definitely smelling something again. Maybe I better check Emmy. She asked to wear her big girl panties today…SURELY she wouldn’t go poop in her panties. I lift up her dress and don’t need to get any further than that before I see the culprit. A massive amount of diarrhea cascading out the front, the back, everywhere. WHY?!?! WHY did I agree to let her wear her panties to the restaurant. Let’s summarize the next 15 minutes by saying this: cleaning up diarrhea out of panties in the Panera bathroom is the most disgusting thing I’ve ever had to do. Oh, and just a little word to the wise to anyone out there in the Tulsa area…I wouldn’t go in the handicapped stall in the Panera at 71st & 169 today if I were you. It definitely needs to be sanitized!
We get back out to our friends and decide we better pack up and head home before anyone else has a chance to poop. Plus, Easton is now in “Star-Wars mode” and has almost knocked down at least 10 people who have tried to walk past us because he is pretending to be Luke Skywalker and slash people down with his pretend light saber.
We load up and head home. As I am unloading Cohen and Emmy from the car, I hear this:
“MOM!!!! JAKE (our dog) GOT A POOPY DIAPER AND ATE IT AND IT IS ALL OVER THE HOUSE!!!”
Seriously?!?! Ok people…at this point you just have to laugh. What else can you do? So the theme of my day: Cleaning up crap. Another lovely day in the life of a stay-at-home mom.
Sorry that your day was soo poopy!! I laughed the whole time while reading. I know my day is coming.
Lots of excitement! Sounds like they are keeping you on your toes.
Oh Carissa, this is so funny. I truly feel for you! I hope the rest of your week goes better. 🙂
That is the funniest thing I have ever read. Thanks for sharing. Johnna
This is hysterical! I had to read it to Justin and we were both dying laughing. Thanks for sharing:)!
I have so been there before. And this story kind of reminded my of Rhesa's airplane trip when Braden was a baby.My worst poopy story was recently. We had baby dedication at church when Capri was 6 wks old. For some reason I wore white pants that day (you know we were all matching…). Nick was on the worship team that day and was on the stage and was just going to wait on stage for me when baby dedication started. It was us and one other family. Well as we were singing the last song before the dedication, I feel my hand getting warm and sticky. Yes Capri had filled her pants, and my hand with a NASTY blow out. That quickly got all over me, my shirt, my WHITE pants……everywhere. So I quickly ran out of church holding a discusting baby. About that time baby dedication started……except the other family was gone that day, so it was just us. So there is Nick standing on stage waiting for me, the pastor saying "where did Lindsay go, I know she's here"…….. Someone had to tell them that I left with the baby. So Nick just had to walk off stage.I couldn't even clean us up that day I just had to go home and take a shower.