I’ve changed.
There. I said it. The peace and freedom I feel in accepting that is so beautiful that I want others to experience the same thing. I want others to realize what it took me years to work through…
CHANGE IS NOT A DIRTY WORD.
This is my little family four years ago (photos by the amazing Alayna Benefield – www.rubyjewelstudio.com). I look at my children and I realize how I expected change in their lives. In fact, I welcomed it because let’s be honest, we all long for those potty training years to be over. I knew they would grow. I accepted that they would change. I knew they would be different at five years of age than they were at one and they would be different at fifteen years of age than they were at ten. I accepted change for my children. Realizing that begs me to ask myself this question…”Why did I so easily embrace change in my children’s lives but not my own? Why did I expect growth and maturity for them, but not realize that I also needed it for myself?” It’s almost laughable when I think of it now. I look at myself in this picture. I was thirty years old. I was changing. I was needing change so desperately. I needed change personally, professionally, in my marriage, in my friendships, and definitely in the way that I spent my time. So why did I fight it so badly?
Fear. That is why. I fought it because I was afraid of change. I wasn’t afraid for your typical reasons because my journey is my own. I am a 34 year old daughter of a preacher who embraced the life of people pleasing. I thought pleasing others meant I was “good” and disappointing others made me “bad.” I made my life a living hell trying to make everyone else happy. I made decisions based on “what would so and so think about that?” and “will someone be upset with me if I do that?” It was a miserable way to live and finally I realized that if I continued to live that life, I would always be a failure. I realized it was impossible for me to please everyone and if I kept living my life trying to do so, I would end up a broken, anxiety-ridden shell of a person who had nothing left to give my husband and my family. I had to change. I had no choice.
The words are flowing and I’m getting real here people so I’m just going to go with it. I started counseling. I realized I was doing everything for the wrong reasons. I realized I had to let go of the things I was doing for other people that weren’t an encouragement to me. I began to do things for myself. I learned to say that other dirty word, “NO.” I learned that saying no or making a decision that was right for me without literally agonizing and making myself sick about what someone else might think about it, didn’t make me evil. I realized that having boundaries was a beautiful thing. I realized that I had the power to make my life what I wanted it to be rather than living for what other people expected or wanted me to be.
I will never forget a day several years ago when I was running on the treadmill next to a dear friend who I am convinced was a gift from God to me to help me through this journey toward embracing change that I was embarking upon. I was going down my laundry list of why I was stressed that day and then gave an exasperated sigh and said, “And then tonight I have to go to this…” She just looked at me and so simply said “Do you realize that this is the third month in a row that you have had that exact same response about going to that. If you don’t enjoy it, why are you doing it?” Then she just kept running on the treadmill like nothing had happened and she hadn’t just dropped an absolute bomb on my life.
What? Why was I doing it? Well….wait. WHY WAS I DOING IT??
The hard truth. I was doing it because I thought it made other people happy. I was doing it because I thought it was expected of me. I was doing it because I didn’t want to disappoint or upset or anger other people.
So I quit. Then I quit some more. Then I started to experience the freedom and it felt good so I quit some more…
No. The change wasn’t easy. It was hard. It was painful. I’ve decided that change is a lot like childbirth. Freaking hard and unbelievably painful but when you get to the other side it is so worth it that you forget the hurt.
So here is my family now.
My kids are older. They are more mature. And guess what….so is their mother.
In the past five years, we have been through cancer. We lost Michael’s dad. We had our third kid in less than four years. My husband quit his job in oil and gas to take over his dad’s business and became self-employed. I became a photographer and started my own business. We left our church that we had been a part of for five years. We have gone to counseling, both personally and together. We have moved. Several times. We have made new relationships and had to let go of others. Oh yes, and I changed my very unfortunate hairstyle that was plaguing me throughout those childbearing years and got some much needed closet help from my dear friend who just so happens to be an amazing personal stylist.
None of these decisions were easy. OK, except for maybe the hair and the clothes. Those were no-brainers, but the other decisions were hard. I made mistakes. I felt confused and fought against change which only made it harder. Change caused confusion. Change caused hurt. Change was definitely uncomfortable at times but you know what else it was…. absolutely necessary.
One day my children are going to struggle with the same thing I have. They will try to fight change and I will know it’s a losing battle. I want to be there to hold their hand and tell them that I understand the struggle all to well. Then I will tell them “Baby Girl, Son, It’s ok. Just embrace it. Let go of the fear. This is your journey, not anyone else’s. To live a life with no change because that is what you feel is expected of you is to stay stagnant, living someone else’s interpretation of what your life should be instead of the life you are actually supposed to live. Don’t feel guilty that you need change. Don’t be afraid of it. Just embrace it. Accept change in yourself and likewise give others grace and understanding when they need change in their own lives. Let go of that toxic relationship. Break up with that boy/girl who doesn’t treat you right. Quit that job that you hate and pursue something else. Take a leap of faith and move to that big city far away. Stop hanging out with that friend who makes you feel bad about yourself. Apply to that school you’ve always dreamed of going to. Go ahead. CHANGE.”
Because CHANGE….it’s not a dirty word. In life, sometimes you have to let go of what was, before you can truly experience the joy of what is meant to be.
In 2014 and in the future, I’m going to remember that change is not a dirty word. I say bring on the change!
